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Dear God, why me? There are children and babies and pregnant women all around me and now my womb is empty. Why did this have to happen to me? What went wrong? How will I ever get the strength to try again? Will there ever be another little blessing to hold in my arms? I am full of questions and anger and sadness -- full, and so completely empty, all in one. These haunting questions are normal. Your grief and your unexpected emotional trauma are all part of the healing process when you deal with miscarriage. Because miscarriage is such a sensitive issue and not completely understood, this can be a time of silent suffering. Expect this time to be difficult. You may need some extra hugs and support as you go through this. Perhaps the information in this brochure will help you as well. Experts estimate that over half of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. Other studies state it is actually closer to 75% of all fertilized eggs that never become a live birth.* This is a startling statistic, isn’t it?! Oftentimes the pregnancy hasn’t even been detected yet. The embryo may not have been able to implant, or the early cells were not able to divide as they should, even before the woman would have missed a period! Yet, even in the pregnancies that are detected, either by a home pregnancy test or an ultrasound, over 10% of these pregnancies never result in a live birth.** Although it seems like shallow comfort, rest assured that you are not alone as you grieve the loss of your child. It is also true that the vast majority of women who experience a miscarriage or stillbirth are able to go on to have healthy babies. Although these issues are beyond our understanding, they are all a part of God’s amazing plan and perfect timing. Our God in His infinite wisdom always has a purpose for every new life that He creates, but for reasons we may never understand, He chooses to end some lives at an early stage. “The Lord brings death and makes alive; he brings down to the grave and raises up.” (1 Samuel 2:6 NIV) The question of “Why me?” and feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy often surface following a miscarriage. The maternal instincts that begin nearly immediately after conception, along with the hormonal changes in the mother’s body, seem to magnify the emotional responses to miscarriage. No amount of medical statistics or health care-provider facts can guide a woman through the tunnel of emotions over this loss. It is truly a time of grieving and frustration. You may feel alone in your suffering as if no one else cares that this tiny person was here and is gone. The people in the world around you might tell you that it was just “bad luck,” that this child would have been deformed and it is a blessing that it is gone, or that you need to just relax and try again. These people may be well-meaning, but you will soon realize that rationalization does not lead to healing. You have questions, doubts and fears, and you want answers and comfort. While there are many reasons why miscarriage happens, there really are no simple answers to your nagging questions. Over half of all pregnancy loss occurs because of problems with the chromosomes of the embryo, especially in first pregnancies. Often, only placental tissue forms, but the embryo does not implant. These miscarriages are not likely to reoccur subsequently. Other common causes of miscarriage, include: maternal health issues, infections, hormonal imbalance, and abnormalities with the uterus or cervix. Miscarriages may also be due to immunological conditions in the mother’s body. In many cases these causes are detectible and treatable. They may lead to recurrent losses, however, if not treated. There may be no definite answers as to why your pregnancy ended or if it will happen again. God doesn’t promise that we will find answers in life to all our devastating events. He does promise, however, to guide us through the tunnel of our grief. “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles,” (2 Cor. 1:3 NIV) Often we can emerge from the darkness of grief as a stronger person for having gone through it, "so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows." (2 Cor. 1:4,5 NIV) Trust the soul of this baby to the care of our all-knowing God. Remember God knew and loved this child -- even more than you can imagine! “Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you.” (Jeremiah 1:5 NIV) Put your trust in His promises. He will help you through this period of sorrow. Even when events in your life don’t make sense, God’s constant love for you will always be true. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him...” (Romans 8:28 NIV) - Allow yourself time to grieve.This is a beneficial process of working out your feelings. Don’t let anyone dictate how you should be feeling. Grieving is different for everyone. - Open up to your friends and loved ones. They may not know what to say to you, but in most cases they are willing to listen. Let your spouse and relatives grieve with you. They are hurting as well. - Name your child. Acknowledge that this baby was a unique individual. - Gather keepsakes. Pictures, cards, funeral bulletin, special gifts from loved ones -- whatever you can hold on to that will help you through this time in your life and also allow you to remember this child later on. - Remember your baby. Light a candle, release a balloon from the grave site, have a prayer for this child, remember this person at special events. Do what is comfortable for you. Some people like to remember alone in silence and others like to have public remembrances. - Pray for God’s gracious and healing hand to guide you and to alleviate your helpless quest of "Why me?"
* "Preventing Miscarriage" Jonathan Scher, M.D.
** WebMD
Text from brochure produced by Christian Life Resources. To order this pamphlet, visit our online store, Family Treasures and Gifts.
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